How the D Escaped Del Taco With His Life and a Couple Bean Burritos

tour memoirs:

After the Hi-Pointe show in St. Louis, Lukewarm and I strolled over to Del Taco for a late-night snack. The line was long and filled with drunk retards. In front of our very eyes, a girl stepped right in front of us as if we weren't even there. This is no good. I speak up like any god-fearing, law-abiding American citizen and say, loudly for everyone to hear,
"No cuts, No butts, No sluts."
At this time, in the loud silence which followed, Lukewarm took his cue to quickly make an exit like the swift ninja he is. He wisely left me alone to fend for myself. It's for the best--the cross-fire can get real hairy. By now, retorts from the line-cutter and friends begin to rain upon me like rain. I take a deep breath, cross my eyes, and begin a barrage of insults so supreme and on-point that the three girls started to cry and an elderly man broke his hip.

I also make faces at babies when their mommies aren't watching.