ASS IN HELL

I was on the west side today, picking up my dirty earth-ruiner, when my lovely Badunkadunk and I decided to stop at Big City Burrito-a fantastic joint with a million different hot sauces at your disposal. I am always trying to impress the misses with my manly manliness, so when ran across the sauce titled ASS IN HELL, I figured I would give it a tiny, TINY try. Three delicious bites in, I decided to give it a little try. Just a little dab to see how it lived up to the name. There is no little dropper on the end of the bottle like you find on tabasco bottles, so I had to be extra careful. I lightly tapped. Just a little tappy-tap. And out comes a molten lava explosion of sauce onto my beautiful burrito. It poured off the top and down the sides, all over my fingers. I was stunned. I quickly turned my burrito upside down to pour some of it out. Out of instinct, I switched the burrito to my other hand and licked a finger. Instantly my face was flushed and I was shocked at the ridiculous heat carried in that small drop of sauce on my finger. Did I learn my lesson and call it a day? Sadly, no. Some kind of confusion led my head down towards the open end of the burrito I had just suffocated with sauce, my mouth opened, and I took a huge bite from the very spot which was swimming with a product labeled with a warning stating the uncomfortables of said product entering into, as well as out of, the body.
Lunch for the day was over. If you can die from a burning mouth, I got lucky. My face was sweating, tears ran down my face, my nose was running--remember that scene from "Dumb and Dumber?"
I sucked down lemonade by the gallon but soon went straight to ice. I had to suck on 3 cups worth before I could even stop whimpering. I am so manly and tough!! Grr!!
The label warning was not just wordy propaganda. Not a pleasant experience on the way in. I have yet to feel the fury of the exit but sense nothing good on that end either.